My Story

Where to start. I was born in April in the yr of my birth. I was the youngest of 6 kids. I also was the only girl. I was an unplanned pregnancy. Even before my birth I was hearing in my mother's womb from what I have been told some very painful words. My mother spoke of me being a mistake, an accident. When I was born I had severe yellow jaundice. The docs were not sure I would live. They feared I would be born blind also. After a blood transfusion and a quick but complicated filled delivery I was find. The docs suggested that I should stay in the hospital for a week thou. But 24 hrs after I was born late at night my mother snuck out of the hospital with me.
From very little I can remember feeling a lone and like I did not matter to anyone. I have very few memories of my childhood before 7 yrs old. Later on I will explain why that is. But I do remember a few things. Then there are other things that I have learned from others.
I do have a memory of when I was 3 yrs old being scolded by my father. I remember setting at the table. Then suddenly my father removed his belt and told me to get in to the bathroom now. He took me in there and made me lean over the bath tub. He then proceeded to strap me with the buckle of his belt and beat me. I remember standing up and standing at the open bathroom door with blood trailing down my legs and my father saying don't you dare cry. He then sent me to my room.
I remember also the day when I lost much of my early childhood memories. I was 7 yrs old. My one brother was picking on me. I decided that if I went and told on him instead of picking back then maybe I wouldn't get in any trouble for once. I was wrong by far. 1st my father threw my brother in the stairs and made him go to his room. Then he picked me up and told me he hates tattling. He then threw me into a door. I woke up 15 mins. later in a daze. My father warned me to never tell my mother or he would punish me more he said.
I also was sexually molested by a brother who was 14 yrs older than me starting at the age of 2 and not completely ending until I was 7. No one other then him and one other person besides me knew this was taking place for years. I myself blocked it out for years to come and even while it was happening.
I was also molested as a teen by another family member from the age of 11-16. That is when I stood up for myself.
My reasons for telling my story are not what you might think. There is much more to this story so please READ ON!
At 11 I became sick and got worse and worse. At 12 my father beat me so bad one time I could not get out of bed for 2 weeks.
At 15 I became suicidal. I was on Prozac and other meds for a tummy condition. One day at the end of my rope I decided it was time to end it all. I was not your typical suicidal person. I made sure I gave no signs that this had happen. I had always been up till then a angel of a God fearing child. I made sure people did not know that deep inside that had changed. Then on that one day I was home alone, I took loads of the Prozac and tummy pills. Since then I have been told by those in the medical field that those pills should have killed me.
But instead I slept for 2 days. My parents though I was simply sick I would learn later. But at one point during those 2 days something happen. That something would be the first of many steps to major change in my life. I had a dream that I now know was more than just a dream.

The dream:
I heard a voice. A male gentle but strong voice. This voice said my name. All around me I saw nothing but dark. But in the distance I saw a light. It seemed to be where the voice was coming from. The voice said to me, "I love you" I asked the voice, "Who are you, how do you know me". He then said, "Your name is Sandra. My name is many different things to many different people. But to most he said it is the son of God, Jesus. I asked him why he was visiting me. That I was no one. He said to me on the contrary you are someone. You are my father's child. You are a gift to his world just as all his children are a gift. I asked him then why was I born into so much pain. I told him I just want to die. He said, "It's not your time". I said, " But no one cares about me. I want to make my father love me and the only way to do that is to go away. The voice then said, 'No". He said, " Your earthly father may not love you but your heavenly father does and has great plans for you". I asked, "Than why was I born into such a messed up family" He told me someday you will understand. He said he has always been there, that I have never been alone and never will be. He told me I will grow-up and find peace and happiness. He told me I was meant for something more. He then said wake up and never forget I love you.
I woke up and that very Sunday I walked into a church on my free will and accepted Jesus into my heart.
Now I am not going to tell you a lie. The road I traveled since was not the easiest. In time I had to learn to forgive my father, mother, brother, other family member who harmed me and all others also that harmed me.
I got saved at 16 but it was not until 11 years later that I would find my cure for my years of depression brought on by an abusive , low self- esteem of a childhood.
At 18 God brought me an amazing man. He was a non believer himself when we met. But he was a very good hearted man raised up in a loving home.
We had our ups and downs through the years in our marriages. But we stood by each other. Through the years and many heart breaks he became a reborn child of God also.
Right before I turned 25 my father lost his battle with cancer and heart disease. But before he past he asked me for forgiveness. It wasn't easy but I slowly but surely started to.
At the age of 27 with my then 6 yr old very ill daughter I walked into a church to have her prayed over. I approached the front of the church and the man who was speaking and praying over people touched me, Laid his hand on my head. But I looked at him and said no I am here for me daughter. This man did not know me or anyone that knew me. He said no you are here for me. He then started to pray and speak of my painful past. He knew that at 15 I had tried to take my own life. No one knew this, I had never told anyone. He knew that just a year and half earlier while pregnant with my youngest daughter I had been told I was going to die. I had become very sick. I had prayed that time to Jesus to look after my loved ones. I prayed and put it myself into his hands. I survived. the doctors called me a miracle. Now I was standing in that church 1 1/2 yrs later and my life was a the ultimate fork in the road. This time God took the pain of my childhood and banished it. I walked out of that church with a cure in my heart of all that had ailed me in my past. The depression in my life was going. It has not returned in the 11 almost 12 years since.
Today I have faced many loses. the deaths of unborn children, family, friends. But I have also been renewed. You ask what changed over time from 16-27 years of age. It was this. On that day that I knew that God could cure anything, banish any heart break. I found true peace because I found the road to no doubt. I had no doubt and still do that God/Jesus is real.
I can look back on my life and tell you many times when I thought how will I survive this or get through this. But I ran to God and I prayed in the name of Jesus and I survived and got through it. Today I do much more than survive. I fear not. For I know that the worse thing in life is not death but to lose ones soul. My soul is not lost but forever belongs to God. I have found peace in a world filled with anger, hate, vengeance, and war.
My life has been far from perfect. But it could of been much worse. I have been blessed in ways I can not easily put into words. But I have lived proof that God/Jesus is real. I am proof that miracles do happen.
There has been times when the miracles in my life were great. There has been times when the miracle has been small. Sometimes I could not see the miracle right in front of me. Sometimes what I thought was a curse sort of speak I later learned that God knows what he is doing. That is turned out to be a miracle. There was the miracle of God/Jesus saving my life in more ways than one. Then there is the miracle that even thou me and hubby are far from rich, somehow we manage each and every month to a pay the bills and meet all our family's needs.
I now understating the reason God/Jesus saved me. It is to be a mother and bring my children up in his word. It is to be his light by telling my story to others. It is to help others in any little way I can. The 15 year old suicidal girl I once was is no more. In her place is a reborn child of God who knows she is blessed to be alive in this life and that someday she will live with her loved ones in peace and paradise forever.

Copy Written: Sandra Lucille Pottorff

Walk a little way
Meet in the middle
Don’t let your heart go a stray
This is not such a riddle
Love takes compromise
Understanding that is beyond measure
So of this be wise
And you can hold a life’s great treasure
Take the good and work on the bad
We all have flaws and faults
Of this we can all be assured
Fairy tale love and fables are for children to be had
True love is not perfect
Only nurturing it will make it grow
But this I suspect
Or rather I know
Not all are ready
Not at the same age
Some are to greedy
To turn loves page
Not ready to take the good with the bad
Need time themselves to grow
So of this don’t be mad or sad
Because in your own time you will know loves glow
But first you must learn to walk just a little
Giving into compromise
Meeting somewhere in the middle
Through life, of this you will become wise
　
　
copywritten by: Sandra Lucille
　

Sister To Brother

Sister to a brother
To me you mean more
There’s a place in my heart
It’s been there from the start
A place where my love for you lives
So much love it gives
You were always my protector
You never were my rejecter
As a little girl I followed you
So much I thought you knew
You have always been my hero
I never saw you even close to a zero
Maybe I was blind
I never saw you as unkind
When things all went wrong
For me you always came along
You listened so good
Always told me I could
You believed in me
Without any fee
Even when I disappointed you
This I always knew
That your love was unconditional
You always calmed me when I was irrational
Even in those times when no words could make me strong
You always somehow knew what was wrong
You knew to just listen
Not even try to be a voice of reason
You always got me
This I hope you did see
I pray for you peace
That God gives you some sort of release
Here or there
Losing you sometimes I swear
Is more than I could ever bear
But no matter what your love I will always hold near
I love you my brother
No matter what together or apart we may have to weather
If the time comes that you must leave
I know for you I will set and grieve
But a piece of you I will carry
So when I am wary
This part of you will help build me back up
Even when I think I am at the end of my rope
Remembering the wisdom you taught me one way or another
My dear loving brother
Will get me through
And I will find the strength I hope to let go of you

Copy Written By: Sandra Lucille

A Hard Good Bye


My heart is breaking
A piece of me is being taken
Of this there is no mistaking
From this I wish I were awaking

A part of me with him is dieing
Inside I can’t stop crying
On my faith this is trying
I don’t want to see him leaving

He means so much to me
Always seemed to get me
With him my true self could be free
He is much more than the eyes can see

He’s much more than my brother
He’s always been like a father
For me like him, there is not another
I feel like I am saying good-bye to my father

I know I need to let go
But as I’m sure it does show
Of this, I don’t know
If I can ever completely let go

He lies before me in body
But of his soul, he seems empty
Memories of our lives a many
Through my mind and heart running

Wishing he could wake up one more time
To hear his voice with his reason and rhyme
To share with me one ounce of wisdom
Maybe to even tell me how this has yet become

To give me his brotherly/fatherly love
Sending us one little miracle from up above
Hopefully bringing us some peace as a dove
Now it is God’s move

I put him in God’s hands
On this I try to find the faith on which to stand
I know matter what his plan is grand
I just am having trouble trying to understand

Letting go,
Something I just don’t seem to be able to do
What I will do I do not know
As the pain seems to continue to grow

You live you die
I just wonder why
One’s soul has to go beyond the sky
To all with faith this does apply
Other’s forever do say good bye

So many I have left go
Causing my heart ache to grow
Feeling this does much more than just blow
How I will ever live through this,
I do not know

Trying desperately to hold on to my faith
In my heart feeling a wrath
Fearing, straying from faith’s path
I may be in the need of a spiritual bath
A cleansing of my wrath

Where do I go from here
I’m calling out in fear
Looking for the one I’ve always believed did care
For my heart is in desperate need of repair
This pain I need to share

Long for one who can understand my heart ache
For each other maybe some hope we can make
One who knows when to give and take
A friend, brother, sister who knows my heart’s ache
Of this they would never mistake

A person who get’s me
Who into my inner me they can see
Understand’s why a part of me just wants from this to flee
Why for me,
All this lose I just don’t want it to be

Someone to hold me as I cry these tears away
For many a countless a day
Will listen and understand all I have to say
For me on a friendship they do not want to play
Someone who will make it easier if even not okay

One friend to help me
To help me continue on as all this lose surrounds me
Helping day by day
To make the pain go away
Listening to all I have to say
As in this heart ache I do not want to stay

Remember him yes
But the pain may it be less
If only I again could feel some happiness
But my longing for him fills me with loneliness
And this I know I must address
Or I forever will feel this sadness


Copy Written By; Sandra Lucille