My Story

Where to start. I was born in April in the yr of my birth. I was the youngest of 6 kids. I also was the only girl. I was an unplanned pregnancy. Even before my birth I was hearing in my mother's womb from what I have been told some very painful words. My mother spoke of me being a mistake, an accident. When I was born I had severe yellow jaundice. The docs were not sure I would live. They feared I would be born blind also. After a blood transfusion and a quick but complicated filled delivery I was find. The docs suggested that I should stay in the hospital for a week thou. But 24 hrs after I was born late at night my mother snuck out of the hospital with me.
From very little I can remember feeling a lone and like I did not matter to anyone. I have very few memories of my childhood before 7 yrs old. Later on I will explain why that is. But I do remember a few things. Then there are other things that I have learned from others.
I do have a memory of when I was 3 yrs old being scolded by my father. I remember setting at the table. Then suddenly my father removed his belt and told me to get in to the bathroom now. He took me in there and made me lean over the bath tub. He then proceeded to strap me with the buckle of his belt and beat me. I remember standing up and standing at the open bathroom door with blood trailing down my legs and my father saying don't you dare cry. He then sent me to my room.
I remember also the day when I lost much of my early childhood memories. I was 7 yrs old. My one brother was picking on me. I decided that if I went and told on him instead of picking back then maybe I wouldn't get in any trouble for once. I was wrong by far. 1st my father threw my brother in the stairs and made him go to his room. Then he picked me up and told me he hates tattling. He then threw me into a door. I woke up 15 mins. later in a daze. My father warned me to never tell my mother or he would punish me more he said.
I also was sexually molested by a brother who was 14 yrs older than me starting at the age of 2 and not completely ending until I was 7. No one other then him and one other person besides me knew this was taking place for years. I myself blocked it out for years to come and even while it was happening.
I was also molested as a teen by another family member from the age of 11-16. That is when I stood up for myself.
My reasons for telling my story are not what you might think. There is much more to this story so please READ ON!
At 11 I became sick and got worse and worse. At 12 my father beat me so bad one time I could not get out of bed for 2 weeks.
At 15 I became suicidal. I was on Prozac and other meds for a tummy condition. One day at the end of my rope I decided it was time to end it all. I was not your typical suicidal person. I made sure I gave no signs that this had happen. I had always been up till then a angel of a God fearing child. I made sure people did not know that deep inside that had changed. Then on that one day I was home alone, I took loads of the Prozac and tummy pills. Since then I have been told by those in the medical field that those pills should have killed me.
But instead I slept for 2 days. My parents though I was simply sick I would learn later. But at one point during those 2 days something happen. That something would be the first of many steps to major change in my life. I had a dream that I now know was more than just a dream.

The dream:
I heard a voice. A male gentle but strong voice. This voice said my name. All around me I saw nothing but dark. But in the distance I saw a light. It seemed to be where the voice was coming from. The voice said to me, "I love you" I asked the voice, "Who are you, how do you know me". He then said, "Your name is Sandra. My name is many different things to many different people. But to most he said it is the son of God, Jesus. I asked him why he was visiting me. That I was no one. He said to me on the contrary you are someone. You are my father's child. You are a gift to his world just as all his children are a gift. I asked him then why was I born into so much pain. I told him I just want to die. He said, "It's not your time". I said, " But no one cares about me. I want to make my father love me and the only way to do that is to go away. The voice then said, 'No". He said, " Your earthly father may not love you but your heavenly father does and has great plans for you". I asked, "Than why was I born into such a messed up family" He told me someday you will understand. He said he has always been there, that I have never been alone and never will be. He told me I will grow-up and find peace and happiness. He told me I was meant for something more. He then said wake up and never forget I love you.
I woke up and that very Sunday I walked into a church on my free will and accepted Jesus into my heart.
Now I am not going to tell you a lie. The road I traveled since was not the easiest. In time I had to learn to forgive my father, mother, brother, other family member who harmed me and all others also that harmed me.
I got saved at 16 but it was not until 11 years later that I would find my cure for my years of depression brought on by an abusive , low self- esteem of a childhood.
At 18 God brought me an amazing man. He was a non believer himself when we met. But he was a very good hearted man raised up in a loving home.
We had our ups and downs through the years in our marriages. But we stood by each other. Through the years and many heart breaks he became a reborn child of God also.
Right before I turned 25 my father lost his battle with cancer and heart disease. But before he past he asked me for forgiveness. It wasn't easy but I slowly but surely started to.
At the age of 27 with my then 6 yr old very ill daughter I walked into a church to have her prayed over. I approached the front of the church and the man who was speaking and praying over people touched me, Laid his hand on my head. But I looked at him and said no I am here for me daughter. This man did not know me or anyone that knew me. He said no you are here for me. He then started to pray and speak of my painful past. He knew that at 15 I had tried to take my own life. No one knew this, I had never told anyone. He knew that just a year and half earlier while pregnant with my youngest daughter I had been told I was going to die. I had become very sick. I had prayed that time to Jesus to look after my loved ones. I prayed and put it myself into his hands. I survived. the doctors called me a miracle. Now I was standing in that church 1 1/2 yrs later and my life was a the ultimate fork in the road. This time God took the pain of my childhood and banished it. I walked out of that church with a cure in my heart of all that had ailed me in my past. The depression in my life was going. It has not returned in the 11 almost 12 years since.
Today I have faced many loses. the deaths of unborn children, family, friends. But I have also been renewed. You ask what changed over time from 16-27 years of age. It was this. On that day that I knew that God could cure anything, banish any heart break. I found true peace because I found the road to no doubt. I had no doubt and still do that God/Jesus is real.
I can look back on my life and tell you many times when I thought how will I survive this or get through this. But I ran to God and I prayed in the name of Jesus and I survived and got through it. Today I do much more than survive. I fear not. For I know that the worse thing in life is not death but to lose ones soul. My soul is not lost but forever belongs to God. I have found peace in a world filled with anger, hate, vengeance, and war.
My life has been far from perfect. But it could of been much worse. I have been blessed in ways I can not easily put into words. But I have lived proof that God/Jesus is real. I am proof that miracles do happen.
There has been times when the miracles in my life were great. There has been times when the miracle has been small. Sometimes I could not see the miracle right in front of me. Sometimes what I thought was a curse sort of speak I later learned that God knows what he is doing. That is turned out to be a miracle. There was the miracle of God/Jesus saving my life in more ways than one. Then there is the miracle that even thou me and hubby are far from rich, somehow we manage each and every month to a pay the bills and meet all our family's needs.
I now understating the reason God/Jesus saved me. It is to be a mother and bring my children up in his word. It is to be his light by telling my story to others. It is to help others in any little way I can. The 15 year old suicidal girl I once was is no more. In her place is a reborn child of God who knows she is blessed to be alive in this life and that someday she will live with her loved ones in peace and paradise forever.

Copy Written: Sandra Lucille Pottorff